Speak loudly and carry a beagle!

I look outside and wonder why I am not enjoying the beautiful weather. There are no bars or guards that prevent me from opening the door. I have no moat or drawbridge around my house that makes it difficult to get out. No kidnapper has me tied up. Yet, my freedom has long been gone and I have never gotten it back. Against demons I have fought and to world I have won, but I still have my challenges.

One of which is that I do not go out alone, unless it is sunny and I have some task to do. But, I prefer to have someone with me. I do my shopping with my husband or a friend. Once in a blue moon I walk down to the corner store and mail a letter, but it is hardly ever a pleasant walk. I am too often stricken with an intangible, but familiar fear.

I don't spend time in my front yard for the same reason. I've longed to have very tall bushes or a tall fence put in so that I might be able to go out and read on a blanket some sunny afternoon. You could do that in the front yard with out the walls, right? But, every fiber of my being tells me to get out of danger. I feel a sense of panic, my throat becomes ash and my heart beats faster and faster. I end up gathering my books and blanket up and heading inside because I can't stand it any longer.

I do go out and like going for the occasional stroll, but it is something that has to be planned around other people. I need to schedule these walks into their days and whims. Which doesn't always coincide with my days and whims. But to walk to the park alone and swing on the swings is unthinkable.

Some days I wish I was like Sally, of the comic strip Peanuts. When she got bullied at the playground, Sally's motto became, "Speak loudly and carry a beagle!"







http://www.peanuts.com/comics/peanuts/index.html